Be Still My Soul
I woke with my chest tight and my heart fluttering this morning. I know that feeling well. It’s been my companion since closing IdeaMarketers in October. While my business is doing well in its new direction, it always takes time to rebuild from the ground up. I miss the free-flowing, consistent 5-figure-per-month revenue I used to make. This flying without a net gets the better of me at times, and there are many mornings — and many dead-of-night-moments — when I awake with that anxious fluttering and pressure in my chest.
The only thing I know to do is pray and listen to soothing music. This morning I was conversing with the Lord in my mind, yet no matter how He assured me, I could not seem to quiet the doubting thoughts or soothe the pain in my chest.
“Why?” He asked me. “Why don’t you believe me when I tell you that I have this covered. I will see you through to a better place. Why don’t you believe me? You’ve been in this difficult spot before, and I helped you through. Do you think me incapable of doing it again?”
“I know… I know… I should have the faith. I’ve been in worse places than this,” I responded. I thought for a moment upon His question and the answer hit me. In the past, I had IdeaMarketers. I knew that site had potential. I could fiddle with it and generate the revenue when I needed it. I could tweak something, create a new product or service with it, and there would be the cash that I needed. It was my “sandbox” to play in and create things.
But now, it’s gone. There’s nothing to build castles with anymore. Nothing that I can count on as a revenue creation source. For the first time, it occurred to me that maybe all that faith I thought I had in God, wasn’t faith in God, but faith in IdeaMarketers. I had faith God could help me make money from IdeaMarketers. It wasn’t faith in myself. I’ve spent much of the last 6 months finding faith in myself again. It’s an even more humbling thing to realize that it wasn’t faith in God either.
I’m reminded of something CS Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed. The book is about how his faith was shaken by the death of his wife. He realized by the devastation her death caused that what he thought was faith was really a house of cards.
You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Upon shutting down IdeaMarketers — which I felt incredibly led to do — I bulldozed an orchard that fed my family on a consistent basis. Little did I know when I made that bold move, I left myself with only the rope of faith in God to carry me through. I’m learning now that my rope is not as sturdy as I once thought it to be.
I believe God is taking me to a place where I lean less on what I’ve built and more on Him. I’m certainly not as Job. I still have my friends (thank heavens)! I still have my family and home. If God helped Job rebuild from absolutely nothing, He can help me rebuild now.
There is a song that has been a lifeline for me over the last six months. It’s called “Be Still My Soul.” Recently I found this version by David Archuleta. I absolutely love this rendition. The piano is lovely, and Archuleta captures the emotions I feel in my heart — the hope I long for but often have such trouble locating. This song gives me that hope … to hang on … to keep looking up. To keep believing that better days lie ahead.
Be still my soul. The Lord is on thy side. With patience bear, thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain. Be still my soul. Thy best thy heavenly Friend, through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.
Be still my soul. Thy God doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake. All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still my soul. The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still my soul. The hour is hastening on when we shall be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, loves purest joys restored. Be still my soul, when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.”
If this post resonates with you, you might want to find out where you are in the Light Bearer Process. You may take my Light Bearer Assessment here. It’s fast and free!
About Marnie Pehrson Kuhns
Marnie Pehrson Kuhns is a Certified SimplyAlign Practitioner™ who uses music and creativity to mentor you past barriers, fears and doubts to discover, create, align with, and deliver your soul’s song (the mission, message or purpose you are on this earth to live). Marnie is a best-selling author with 31 fiction and nonfiction titles. If you'd like Marnie and her husband Dave to work with you personally on Your Great Reinvention, get a FREE 20-minute strategy session with Marnie here.
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I love this. It’s the commitment stage of faith, where we keep moving forward because we have felt it right, not because we are certain. It is, perhaps, the hardest part.
Marnie, your heartfelt piece brought tears to my eyes. Been there a few times!
Without fear, you wouldn’t recognize success. Without fear, you wouldn’t recognize love.
About 40 years ago I discovered a spiritual principle that has guided my life ever since: “It is in my best interest to do what I am most interested in doing.” Sometimes I felt led. Sometimes I didn’t know where the draw was coming from. But it has always worked out to enrich my life and those around me.
There is always hope.
Great message, Marnie. Here is a link to another song that you might also like. Just click on the listen button. http://www.sheetmusicplus.com/title/Still-My-Soul-Be-Still/19495704 There may be you tube versions also. When our choir learned this song, many said it became their new favorite hymn.
Dear Marnie,
I was touched that you shared that. It made me be still and let God speak to me too about the situation that makes me so fearful. I think faith is catchy, because now I start speaking positive thoughts to myself, rather than the negative ones I tend to fall into lately.
Thank you for this post! My journey has not brought me worldly wealth but it has brought me spiritual wealth. I understand on a deeper level that he loves me and I am the one controlling the stopcock on how much I allow him to bless my life. I fall short in trusting that he allows me to have this much light. I feel confused at how he wants me to use it. I needed this boost. Thanks again.
Oh my this was beautiful. I especially loved that he was nervous. None of us will really ever be at a place where everything will feel safe and sure all the time. Thanks for sharing this.
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Thanks Marnie. Faith is a challenging thing especially in the midst of fear and panic. I have had many nights laying in the dark sweating, with my heart pounding and my mind racing. I too am feeling led to change directions in my path; from a counselor seeing one client at a time, to working online helping more people in the process, and from talk therapy to more energy work. As my counseling practice dwindles I wonder if I’m ready, fearful about paying the bills, and doubting myself and my abilities. But I know I’m on the right path and God will guide me and lead me to where I’m supposed to be. I’m reading a daily devotions called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It’s very inspiring and I get daily reminders who to put my trust in. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and vulnerability.