{"id":3378,"date":"2015-08-10T00:42:10","date_gmt":"2015-08-10T00:42:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/marniepehrson.com\/unplugged\/?p=3378"},"modified":"2016-01-25T01:32:23","modified_gmt":"2016-01-25T01:32:23","slug":"my-quest-love-part7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marniekuhns.com\/unplugged\/2015\/08\/10\/my-quest-love-part7\/","title":{"rendered":"Quest for Love: Dumb Dating Mistakes Women Make"},"content":{"rendered":"

This entry is the 7th in a series. To start at the beginning, go here<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Being single I\u2019ve studied a few programs created by dating gurus. Most of them have one common theme. Women tend to be needy and over-deliver, over-invest, and over-expect.<\/strong> Before you argue with me, let me explain why there’s a lot of truth in this.<\/p>\n

\"buildingOne program I bought compared building a relationship to building a multi-story building. \u00a0The woman shouldn\u2019t come in and build all the floors or even two floors to his one. You should build the floors together. Or if you build a floor, he needs to build a floor.<\/p>\n

As a woman you should be contributing less than or no more than equal to the man\u2019s investment.<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are lots of warnings about \u201cneediness.\u2019\u2019 You don\u2019t need to be texting him all the time, calling him, etc. Let him initiate those things.<\/p>\n

Another guru suggests that women shouldn\u2019t be hanging out on a guy\u2019s Facebook wall liking and commenting on all his posts. Another says, if he backs off, you should back off. Most women go into panicky chase mode if a man backs away.<\/p>\n

My dad gave me some interesting advice. It confused me thoroughly when he said it, but it proved\u00a0incredibly true.<\/p>\n

He said, \u201cYou need to not care. It\u2019s when you don\u2019t really care that a man wants you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

I questioned him, \u201cWhat? Not care? How do I do that? Just not care at all? And why would I want a man that I don’t care about?\u201d<\/p>\n

He added, \u201cWell, care, but don\u2019t care.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGee, Daddy, what the heck does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t explain it to you, but you\u2019ll figure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if I can explain this to you any better than my dad could, but I sure hope I can. If someone had really been able to explain it to me earlier, it would have helped immensely.\u00a0In the end, I’m sure the timing was all for the best.<\/p>\n

In every serious relationship I was in, I cared. I cared a lot. When you care a lot, you go overboard to do things that you think will please the man.<\/strong> It\u2019s not that you\u2019re lying or faking anything. You honestly don\u2019t even know you\u2019re doing it!<\/strong> You\u2019re just genuinely enthralled with the person.<\/p>\n

If he burped you\u2019d want to store it in a jar. (Okay, maybe that\u2019s a little overboard!)\u00a0But you get my drift.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re enamored, and especially when dopamine is coursing through your veins, everything the other person says or does is wonderful.<\/strong> You\u2019re incredibly blind to red flags that tell you otherwise.<\/p>\n

You aren\u2019t your every-day, normal self. What happens is you start constructing that multi-story building, predominantly by yourself. Much of it is largely in your mind. It\u2019s amazing how what goes on in your mind and emotions gets emitted to another person without you even saying a word. It\u2019s a vibe.<\/p>\n

You\u00a0also do extra things to please him. You accommodate your schedule to spend time with him. You let some of your own interests go to the wayside.<\/p>\n

Not until I went through a major breakup and didn\u2019t trust my instincts, heart, or inspiration anymore, did I learn what it meant to \u201ccare, but not care.\u201d I came to this place in two steps.<\/p>\n

Step 1: Looking Myself in the Mirror<\/strong><\/p>\n

Immediately after the breakup, I started a new relationship. This man was instantly taken with me and started talking about how he wanted to marry me. He was smitten, and I could see he was very much like I\u2019d been in other relationships. He was moving like a freight train, but I was still incredibly jaded. I remember thinking, \u201cPoor thing, he\u2019s on dopamine.\u201d<\/p>\n

This man was not needy, but he was determined. He was convinced I was the one for him. He reminded me SO much of myself. I thought, \u201cOh, man, no wonder I scared the crap out of those men I dated! No wonder they wouldn\u2019t commit!\u201d<\/p>\n

When\u00a0the other\u00a0person is so driven and determined, you begin to feel like you want your own choice in the matter. You start slowing things down and telling the person you need some time and space.\u00a0 Honestly, I wouldn\u2019t call it needy. I\u2019d call it feeling like you know what you want and by dang, you\u2019re gonna have it.<\/p>\n

Step 2: Being so Burned, I Couldn\u2019t Care<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t recommend everyone learn how to \u201ccare but not care\u201d the way I did. Honestly, I was incapable of caring. I was so jaded, I didn\u2019t trust myself. I didn\u2019t trust chemistry or hormones for sure. They\u2019d betrayed me. I also didn\u2019t trust my ability to receive inspiration, because I completely misinterpreted it when love-struck.<\/p>\n

I had to get to the point where all I really wanted was someone to hang out with and go places. Marriage wasn\u2019t even on my radar. I let any expectation of commitment go. I resolved to be myself, enjoy my life and never, ever let dopamine (the brain chemical released when you\u2019re in a new relationship) rule my life.<\/p>\n

I wrapped up my heart in a nice suit of armor, and I went out into the dating world simply for something to do. Once I did this, once I didn\u2019t care anymore, that\u2019s when the man came along who was ready to commit and choose me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because I didn’t care, I didn’t over invest. I was completely \u00a0myself. I was honest. <\/strong>I let him know my heart was guarded and that I needed some time to learn to trust my heart again.<\/p>\n

He gave me some space. He made it very clear that I was the type of woman he’d been looking for, but he didn\u2019t push. He wasn\u2019t needy, and he wasn\u2019t so determined that I felt pressured. It was the perfect balance.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be honest with you, I wasn\u2019t sure I could even open my heart again. The thought occurred to me that I might be incapable of loving. But bit-by-bit, through a lot of prayer and energy therapy<\/a><\/strong> my heart began to trust again.<\/p>\n

It was from this space of \u201ccaring, but not caring\u201d that I found the man with whom I could create the love that I desired.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if any of that makes sense, but I sure hope it helps someone. I hope it helps you find that space of \u201cCaring, but not caring\u201d without having to have your heart hammered to get there. It\u2019s not the most pleasant route to travel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This entry is the 7th in a series. To start at the beginning, go here. Being single I\u2019ve studied a few programs created by dating gurus. Most of them have one common theme. Women tend to be needy and over-deliver, over-invest, and over-expect. Before you argue with me, let me explain why there’s a lot…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3379,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_kad_post_classname":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[203,11,217,121],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3378","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating","category-marriage","category-quest-for-love","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nQuest for Love: Dumb Dating Mistakes Women Make<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you feel like it's impossible to get a man to commit? 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